Let me Introduce you
Sometimes when we jump, when we decide to do a complete 180 in our career or in our location or in our life partner, or in any major aspect of our lives…. it can be terrifying.
We doubt our worth, we doubt our ability to pull off the move, we doubt our sanity at times of even taking on such a change.
It is in these inky blue black moments of self-doubt - in the abyss of not knowing…. that we must remember who the F we are. AND ROAR this back to the unknown.
I wrote this for myself as much as I did for you, dear reader, new curious friend.
I was adopted from Bogota Colombia when born and I only was able to be comfortable talking about my adoption at age 35. my mother, my adopted mother, IS my mother and we are everything to each other. She is my lighthouse through every storm and I would not be sitting here typing this if it was not for her unconditional love, understanding and acceptance of who I am, at my core. I will be writing a separate post on adoption and motherhood…. so stay tuned. I have many a mixed feeling on so many women putting their poor bodies through such trauma to have ‘their own’ children. I will say this again, my mother is my mother and there is no bond in my life like that which I am privileged to have with her.
I grew up in a household with a very depressed dad who had terrible swift mood swings and yelled a lot. this impacted me greatly but I only realised how much - a few months ago - when I did the shadow work - an exercise I was refusing to do for 44 yrs before. My dad is a beautiful soul , there is a peaceful calm man deep inside, but he never did the inner work. And I know more about clinical depression than I should but I am going to use that to SERVE others
When I was a young teenager i hid a whole bunch of pills ready to take them in a drawer - every pill and prescription in the house. one drawer. Off to therapy I went.
When we moved from NJ (which I loved) to NY all of the perfect NY Westchester girls were pretty brutal - I was a dancer - in the high school dance company - but I was hated on so much - SO SO MUCH - that by the time someone wrote things about me in the bathroom wall in high school - i had to switch schools to a private catholic high school. The new HS football captain thought i was gorgeous - we attempted to date - he then ditched me - and it was the same ostracism again - but I survived - and there was no writing on the walls. I hung out with the 'others' the rejects - the ones different - whilst all of the pretty blonde girls got to be perfect
by senior yr I said *7ck this small town BS ! and executed on getting into Boston College - I didnt have perfect grades BUT I could write. And I was in all of the AP classes - and I had amazing scores in history and English. I could write. I could bare my soul - and I wrote about a separate event when I was 15 (not the pills - this was a different event after that one w. my neighbors) - and my English teacher said - do you REALLY want to write about this? and she looked very concerned - and I said - yes - this is it - that year only 2 people from my high school got into Boston college because it was so competitive. I got in early. I also got into Colgate - early as well - i started proving to myself that no matter what these rich beautiful perfect girls thought of me - i could out work them. No matter the rejection. when i wrote - I could move mountains.
At 20 i had a surgery on my right leg - i was bow legged (still am in one leg) - I had the surgery to straighten it - it was a surgery where they broke the knee in 3 places and recast it - the pain was unbelievable - as I was a perfectionist though and the imperfection bothered me - I remember a homeless man once shouting something to my boyfriend about how bow legged I was - we were walking and he was holding my hand - I will never forget that - looking back it was a bit of body dysmorphic disorder - the surgery went wrong - i woke up with severe (later to be learned permanent) nerve damage in my right leg and was told I could never run again - I had to walk with a brace around my leg for 1 year - i went to 20 doctors and had a huge box of opinions - no one would testify on the malpractice of the first doctor - i could not sue - they said it was an informed risk (i was not informed) - with sheer will and learning EVERYTHING i could on physical healing of the body - the leg got better and I could walk . i proved the doctors wrong - i could jog slowly - eventually - up to 5k but no more, i had 3 follow up surgeries to try and repair the nerve damage and scar tissue - none worked. I still have scars all over my right leg - and my right foot - drop foot and a toe that never comes down - looks like a shark bite - but I love my scars now (I don’t say that as a sound bite) i love them because they make me compassionate for others in physical trauma
I worked in finance in sales for 5 yrs in NYC - made damn good money - but STILL didn’t think i was good enough - so I started applying to law school because the only role model i had at that time who had money and a sense of my power was my aunt - a lawyer. due to tremendous test anxiety (and no meds) - i signed up to take the LSAT ..... SEVEN times, the panic attacks at that age were tremendous. the feeling like i was not good enough. I was actually not able to heal from panic attacks until around age 35-37
I got into Georgetown law i knew from the first quarter - I was quite different. everyone seemed MUCH smarter than me - they could read and have a photographic memory - they loved big classrooms - i hated the large rooms - it felt like a stadium of failure. I had to work very (very) hard to keep up. i knew the other students were all generally conformists - they were conforming to the mold. Many many many came from a lot of money. but me.... i was always a bit of a rebel. when everyone at BC wore bows in their hair I wore warrior corn rows and braids.... i graduated Georgetown law by the skin of my teeth and hated every bit of law school - i hated the systems and the rules - i was looking for a 'hack' (and perhaps myself for not being able to conform or compete well enough)
During law school I tried to start my first business - it failed. it had to do with being a stylist and fashion and a designer - this was an utter dumpster fire disaster and i threw my pension into it. EVERY cent I had. I filmed the entire thing thinking if the biz failed i could make a documentary on what entrepreneurship really was and going to law school etc. I still have the tapes. The event took place successfully but without the right number of tickets sold or community support and I lost a ton of money.
When I graduated Georgetown law I had 250K of student loan debt (my parents are social workers/mid class background) - and it was 2008 - an economic sh*tshow. I had 50K of business debt. I was riddled with debt. I had to pack me and the dog into a U-Haul, sell everything else i had in Georgetown on a sidewalk sale and drive myself down to Florida to my parents - to my mom and my dad - I could not believe it had come to this (i almost fell asleep at the wheel twice and this was incredibly stupid)
I lived in Florida with my folks at 30 yrs old for 12 months. negotiated the 50K debt down to 30 cents on the dollar in 6 mo - cleared it. negotiated like a boss after reading 2 books. I worked 4 jobs = 2 waitressing 1 for free at a legal aid 1 for a hit and run law firm (accidents/ambulance chasers) . it was the most humbling experience of my life. for the FIRST 3 months when i first moved down to Florida.... i didn’t get out of bed, I couldn't . i thought about suicide but didn’t want to hurt my parents, especially my mom or leave my dog. I just lied there feeling numb and worthless and broken. I would stare out the window willing myself to make a decision - do it or don’t dawn. and I stared at this plant - every day - for 3 months - and i noticed that the plant always leaned a little to the sun.... by millimeters, every day - it leaned more and more. And a voice inside of me said - dawn - it is not natural to off yourself . you want to live. GET UP GIRL. live. be the plant. look at the plant. So I did - i worked the 4 jobs and I was a waitress with a law degree from Georgetown
After a year or so -i started travelling - i took about 9-10 months and went to 6 countries. I will not go into the adventures here - but .... there were many - THIS was wear I unf*cked myself - my head - my ideas on success - where I began to at least ... I started challenging myself - big time - building myself back up - reading on personal development VORACIOUSLY (i have over 200 books on the topic now) - i listened to music - I listened to myself. I tuned in.
I moved to London bc i thought america was broken to the core to riddle young people with student debt, have an economic tsunami - and allow the banks and firms who CAUSED the 2008 economic tsunami to write off their debt - to get AWAY with it - but require students to pay their student loan debt who graduated in 2008 - no writing off for us! i was . so. angry. i was so sad about America. so i left. It took me about 7 yrs to stop being angry about that. I carried it around with me like a boulder - it was heavy - it had weight.
when i moved to London with my lovely law degree i had to start from scratch as a temp receptionist. that is what i was. I had made six figures at Bloomberg but I could not get job and i started from scratch AND THEN i worked my way up
up up up - finally to a 'chief compliance officer' - it was NOT general counsel but the hours were decent and i could travel and I was going to make the job work for me
I STILL kept travelling - every time I needed a hit of confidence, mindfulness, peace, inner strength - i would go on a trip to the middle of nowhere in europe and take pictures and videos. I would write. I would never post - because I didnt feel good enough (it would take 10 yrs and hiring the RIGHT coaches - not therapists - to get me there + about 200 books and podcasts on self-development)
After each trip - solo - to the middle of nowhere - i got STRONGER - i would then jump jobs - get more money or get much better at my current job and climb the ladder - eventually after i got better at travelling solo and Kicking &*ss i started negotiating for a LOT more money - one strength fed the other. I would do the inner work - then I would execute. Climb up the mountain. literally. climb the F down. bust into the office of my boss. negotiate
During this time I tried to start a corporate retreat business twice, building not one - but TWO gorgeous websites - (2 different years) - but right before launch I would feel the fear - and see the money in asset management - and crawl back to safety (but then hate myself a bit for stepping away from my dream of running my OWN business)
Eventually i opened my own 1 man band = solo company for regulatory consulting and did everything on my own terms but it still - it wasn’t the type of work that fulfilled me - i wasn’t making the world better - I was helping rich *^&^ stay out of jail or news headlines for complacency in their controls. it wasn’t enough. the money wasn’t enough for the soul.
During covid - the beginning of covid - at 5ft 5 - I had realized that all of this focus on work and money - oh and that your metabolism all but STOPS after 40 - I had gone up to 178 lbs. I lost 35 lbs. - the fact that I was living with a 25 yr. old with a six pack who I might have been having a covid affair with - helped the inspiration - six packs help you lose weight when you look like you ate yourself! but there it is - I lost 35 lbs in one year.
In the last year I put it ALL BACK. It was stress from contracts - it was working at hedge funds - the travel wasn’t enough of a buffer anymore; the soul wasn’t happy. the weight came back. I was disgusted with myself. I decided THIS TIME I was going to lose the F'ng weight but I wasn't going to do it so that I could frolic with a 25 yr. old - I was going to do it FOR ME. and for my future clients. So, I did - I took 23 lbs. off in 4 months. the rest IS COMING OFF by end of AUG.
At age 44, I then decided to go ALL IN, on what I REALLY wanted - and I invested in myself - in coaches and programs - like I had NEVER done before. I walked away from the safety and the money and the conformity to do something I believed in. the fear kicked in - BIG. the soul and the will and the sustainable courage - built over years and years - SPOKE LOUDER.
Let me introduce you …. My name is Dawn Mari.